Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
