I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You made out with two different species that night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
