As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
