Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
