You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
