Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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