I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
