Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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