Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
