If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
