Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
