What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
