Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
