Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
