I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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