Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
