well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
