I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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