Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
