mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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