Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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