Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it was like eating out sand paper
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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