i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
