I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
why is half of my head shaved?
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