my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
