Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
