Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
