I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
