Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
