if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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