The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
