He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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