I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
