why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
