So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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