On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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