Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
