Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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