I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
