Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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