i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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