I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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