PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
