It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
