what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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