I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
