my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
