so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
