there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
