you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
