I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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