So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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