god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
