I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
