Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
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Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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