I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
