here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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