just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just invented taco cereal.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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